You haven't had a cursed old-timey patent in a while, lucky you!
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You haven't had a cursed old-timey patent in a while, lucky you! Let's break this winning streak by showing you a gizmo from 1846: the "wife's protector", a contraceptive device patented by JB Beers of Rochester, New York, USA.
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We know what you're thinking here: "Gee whizz! That's a very early example of an IUD!". (Or maybe you're not. In our line of work we look at a lot of gadgets that interface with vaginas.)
But you'd (and we'd) be wrong. This device is NOT an IUD. It does not go inside the uterus.
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See the loop at the top? That's designed to support waterproof fabric such as silk oilcloth. The device is inserted into the vagina in a position wherein the loop will cover the cervix, thus preventing sperm from getting in. The long metal stem follows the vaginal wall, and sticks out of the vagina.
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Now this is all very well and good, sort of. But there's a couple of major design flaws. First of all, that stem is EIGHT INCHES LONG.
The average vagina is around five or six inches long when aroused. Which means there's a fair bit of thin metal sticking out throughout sex.
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Next, the "wife's protector" has small metal hinges at the top. This is designed for ease of putting the device into the correct position. However, we'll say it: that little hinge looks like it might pinch if it catches a bit of vaginal wall. Ouch.
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And finally, the part that covers the cervix is substantially smaller than a diaphragm, which means you'd have to be veeeery precise about positioning it, and hope it doesn't move around too much when you're, for example, performing vigorous activities such as sexual intercourse. If it slips, that sperm is going directly into your uterus and tubes, and thus entirely negated the point of wearing a somewhat pointy bit of metal.
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Not to mention that cervical barrier contraceptives must remain in place for several hours after coitus. So once you're finished, and no longer aroused (and your vagina becomes shorter again), you still have to wear the thing, with that bit of metal still sticking out.
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In 1873, the USA introduced the Comstock laws, thus rendering it illegal to advertise and sell contraceptives in the country. While these laws were incredibly damaging on the whole, we have to kind of agree in this one (1) instance of wholly cursed contraceptives.
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